wildfire

I am calm now
for the moment
the fire has subsided
and my insides have only ashes
The damage remains
I have not forgotten
it is a vivid memory
I pour water on my heart everyday
to keep my insides in
and the outside out
it is a fragile world
not even a bud has sprung
do not bring your food steps here
you are not welcome
let me soul grow

Just a Thing

You didn't fall for the
Scream dance fear of
The empty basket
The broken hustle
Leading nowhere
No, you didn't
Fall for the fast
Legged race to the
Cliff side of security
And endless yearning
Deep deep hole of nothingness
Disappearing hands grasping
bright eyes tears
Waterfalls into daggers of
Broken promises
You didn't fall for it, Dad
You escaped with bruises
And tales, nourishing knowing
You said "it's just a thing"
And made me feel
Like I made the Earth
Spin but
I'm not you, Dad
And look for relief in
The places you aren't
Falling falling
Cliff side feelings
Manufactured hope for
Certainty
When will I learn?

Starving

Some days, it seems,
without my choosing
I am not grateul
not thankful
not happy to be alive
without you
But here I am
anyway
Gorging on your memory
digesting the past over and over
and over again
with starving eyes and lips

Some days, I am not grateful
Only faithful that you have
fed me enough
to keep me full
without you here

Too Far

When the words in your throat
Strangle you
When the hope in your heart
Is replaced with complicity
Not able to remember pain
Or joy
Or future
Or past
When the poet in you is covered
Buried alive
Barely alive
When you feel the pain come up
And you tell yourself
No, I can't speak to you today
Or this week
Or this month
Or this year
And the pain buries
deep down
Cuddled around your happiness
For warmth
Growing bigger and sicker
Each day
When the life you live begins
Killing you from the inside out,
That's when you know
You've gone too far.

Salvation

I feel you everywhere I go
and I find you, traces of you.
sometimes it's unexpected
jimi hendrix painted on a street corner
in Dublin
Jefferson Starship on the radio
on the really hard days.
A really funny, inappropriate joke
at the table over
Days that just work out
and days that don't.
Those times, finding you is a 
secret code only I know
and you
those days, finding you
feels like salvation and
loosing you all over again.
Craving your soft hugs and
fearing the coldness after the warmth.
Those moments
I forget.
I painted my eyes with you
long ago.

No

The day you took my home
ate it up and left me
empty
the day you destroyed my voice
swallowed my "no"
I couldn't recognize it
I had been preparing for this day
trading dignity for safety
years of dulling my fear with
The illusion of control
Believing I could stop the fire inside you
From burning me
Not allowing myself to feel my
Already chard skin
I turned over and exchanged
your rage for my spirit
Your touch burned and
branded my skin
and my silence told me
It'll end soon
I don't know why I said "no"
on that day
the reservoir of refusal cracked
and slipped out the truth I
had avoided
contained and hid
the day you took my "no", and
flatened my words underneath
your weight
was just another day.
My life had ended
long before

Curves

I can trace the curves of my body with the full moon.
I can feel the flow of my cycle as the ocean tide
rise and relent, blood and water, ebb and flow. 
Is it any wonder? 
I move to the beat of the universal heart.
I feel the breath of the world as it is
Whole, deep
Simple in it's complexity.
Me.

For My Lost Love

I look for you everywhere

Every second of everyday
I look for you and I find you
I seek you out
Create the spirit of you in every action.
I find you in my giving,
In my connections with people I never
would have connected with before.
Before you taught me what it is to
Connect with people
Through a concerted effort
To see one another for who we truly are.
I find you in my passion,
Pulsing through my blood.
I hear you say, "Yes, now is the time for action"
And I listen.
And i show up.
Because I look for you
And find you in the news
Sitting on cement, arms linked,
In articles on the just treatment of humanity,
In the eyes of people I know
I can learn from.
I look for you everywhere,
And I find you in everything good,
And difficult, and necessary.
And still, it's not enough.

Gone

I thought I saw the mountains today

though the train window

for a moment I forgot where I was and

felt a rush of the familiar

I never knew I needed.

I thought I saw the mountains today but

they were just clouds and

I was still gone.

Connection

I didn't introduce myself
Through tired eyes
He reached up and
I looked down
Smiling he touched his hand to his heart
But
I didn't introduce myself
Although I see him all the time
Sitting on stairs leading
to nowhere
Bags packed, yet settled
My house only 5 feet to
His houseless stoop
I gave him change and water but
I didn't introduce myself and
All at once
We were a million miles away from

Each other

Arkansas River

I like that you are the Arkansas River.
I like that you are many places,

expansive, wide, but always found.
I like that you are forever changing with the same face that brings comfort to those who see you,
After not seeing you for too long.
I like that you are the Arkansas River,
Calm with a deep undercurrent,
Yet wild, always free.
You run through my home,
Loud,
Bright.
Without you there'd be no home, voice,
No light.
I like that you are the Arkansas River,
Understated, weeping over pebbles and plants,
You taught me to laugh and cry at the same time.
Life, dualest dolor as much as joy,
Relentlessly carving into the earth your path,
Demanding your right to exist.

I try to exist as you, River, beautiful because you are.

New York Wandering

terrified
searching
feet wet
water paper fish
rain into my fear
fill me up and let me drown
out the noise
honk scream memory
I'm 14 sitting on the roof laughing
the sky is close and I
feel
brave
puddle cabs
14th street or 16th street
I think

I'm lost

December 11th

Today I went to the NY Aquarium. I just woke up and decided that I wanted to go to the beach and see the fish swimming. So I went. It was so beautiful especially the big fish tank. Hues of blues, greens, purples, and pinks. The walrus look kind of sad. We looked and each other an nodded. I understand, I thought. Now I'm at the beach. The water looks like blue/silver ice and the sky is pink, yellow, blue, cream. Everything is cast in a pastel hue. People speak Russian here. It makes me want to go to Russia and the Arctic. Being near the expansive ocean reminds me that I'm expansive if I take off the weight and give in to the tide. I think I will always need a reminder of my expansive nature. Maybe that's what oceans are for.

Today I felt happy. I felt right where I need to be. My fear is still there but today I went to the aquarium and sat by the ocean, and watched the sun set behind the icy blue waters.

Smile

I learned to smile today
purposefully
smiles happen naturally
or so it seems
my eyes know my cheeks against my lower lids
yes
but today
I learned to smile
purposefully
it only took 27 years to be comfortable enough
with my face
to accept a smile
when the rest of my body recoils
when my soul hides
I learned to smile today
purposefully
the muscles in my cheeks
guide my mouth up
so i look happy
regardless

Spin

turning turning turning
i'm a spinning top near a stairway
i'm nauseated -never been able to
tolerate spinning
it's funny to be a top that gets
motion sickness
with such a pointy point and
perfect symmetry
i was designed to spin
but, here i am
a spinning top near a stairway
wanting to fall

Because

Because you make me feel safe
And safety means freedom
Because you make me feel free
And freedom means peace
With big hands and soft eyes
Because you yearn for better
Because I can see it through your eyes

And Better means passion and walking
one foot in front of the next
even when it feels like I can't walk
Because you danced with me
one night alone in my living room
And I heard you exhale
And your breath meant everything to me
And still does
Because you try
And your trying helps remind me to keep living
That good things happen in small steps
and big breaths
and maybe hope is not all lost

Because you laugh
And sing me '70s love songs in the early morning
when i feel utterly unlovable
because you fill people up
because you fill people up with a certain kind of love
the kind that feels free and like home
the kind of home many people never had
and I get to see their faces look like children again, or
maybe for the first time
Because you are child like when I am too far gone
I get a glimpse of something I'll call happiness
Because you let me love you

This Path

Having walked this path so often
hurried and with frustration
cloaking my sight with grey hue
I found it strange that today
I would see the placement of your
bags as art
The coordinates of your body
placed purposefully in the middle
of the sidewalk
Fibonacci bags, gentle seashells
you were art, against the hot cement
and I
wanted to thank you

Having walked this path so often
The aggressive pull of the human and inhuman
startled me today
I could hardly believe i hadn't noticed it before
All of us masterpieces in our imperfection
Perhaps I could use the word Beauty
to describe the sight of the
woman in heavy makeup sailing
down the street high and therefore
still living

Perhaps it is the pull that makes us art
the pain of resistance and surrender
Or are we all born this way
moving statues of stark hues
amassed from bits
and pieces of distant stars

Dance

I dance when I can't feel anymore and when I feel everything. I dance to be humble, through my vulnerability, to give love, and to selfishly love myself. Without a voice my body lets me speak. Yes. Always yes.

But can i be someone else?" he asked desperately. 
"Of course," replied the wind.
"How will I know when I am different?" his eyes flickered but the blinds remained closed. 
The wind became still and then, in a purposeful sigh, exhaled, "You will honor the in between," and with that, it departed. 
He wiped his hair from his eyes, spurred by a tender breeze, and breathed deeply.

People

I know the most amazing people in the whole wide world. I know artists: singers, musicians, painters, sculpters, sketchers, muralists, crafters, idea makers, brave critical thinkers, doers, truth seekers, protesters, sign makers, sign holders . I know writers, dancers, lovers, relentlessly perfect coffee makers, chefs, welders, keeper of books and other sacred things, historians, athletes, anthropologists, observers, time keepers, people who ignore time, travelers, eternal mothers ad fathers, cuddlers, people who paint whole rooms bright yellow, scavengers, fossil hunters, community organizers. I know rappers who rap because they have decided that their will be a place in the world for their experiences, graffiti artists, people who find art in dark places and revere it, people who say, "just look, just look". I know people who stand up against hatred and bigotry everyday even through searing pain. I know people who spend their whole life seeking to right wrong. I know people who create a sacred space for all of us; people who allow you to feel beautiful because of who you are and who you are not. I know people who are so passionate it scares you out of your comfort and you are never the same again. I know people who question and question and don't stop questioning, tearing down the barrier, brick by brick. I know people who trust my truth. I know the most amazing people in the whole wide world.