Gone

I thought I saw the mountains today

though the train window

for a moment I forgot where I was and

felt a rush of the familiar

I never knew I needed.

I thought I saw the mountains today but

they were just clouds and

I was still gone.

Connection

I didn't introduce myself
Through tired eyes
He reached up and
I looked down
Smiling he touched his hand to his heart
But
I didn't introduce myself
Although I see him all the time
Sitting on stairs leading
to nowhere
Bags packed, yet settled
My house only 5 feet to
His houseless stoop
I gave him change and water but
I didn't introduce myself and
All at once
We were a million miles away from

Each other

Arkansas River

I like that you are the Arkansas River.
I like that you are many places,

expansive, wide, but always found.
I like that you are forever changing with the same face that brings comfort to those who see you,
After not seeing you for too long.
I like that you are the Arkansas River,
Calm with a deep undercurrent,
Yet wild, always free.
You run through my home,
Loud,
Bright.
Without you there'd be no home, voice,
No light.
I like that you are the Arkansas River,
Understated, weeping over pebbles and plants,
You taught me to laugh and cry at the same time.
Life, dualest dolor as much as joy,
Relentlessly carving into the earth your path,
Demanding your right to exist.

I try to exist as you, River, beautiful because you are.

New York Wandering

terrified
searching
feet wet
water paper fish
rain into my fear
fill me up and let me drown
out the noise
honk scream memory
I'm 14 sitting on the roof laughing
the sky is close and I
feel
brave
puddle cabs
14th street or 16th street
I think

I'm lost

December 11th

Today I went to the NY Aquarium. I just woke up and decided that I wanted to go to the beach and see the fish swimming. So I went. It was so beautiful especially the big fish tank. Hues of blues, greens, purples, and pinks. The walrus look kind of sad. We looked and each other an nodded. I understand, I thought. Now I'm at the beach. The water looks like blue/silver ice and the sky is pink, yellow, blue, cream. Everything is cast in a pastel hue. People speak Russian here. It makes me want to go to Russia and the Arctic. Being near the expansive ocean reminds me that I'm expansive if I take off the weight and give in to the tide. I think I will always need a reminder of my expansive nature. Maybe that's what oceans are for.

Today I felt happy. I felt right where I need to be. My fear is still there but today I went to the aquarium and sat by the ocean, and watched the sun set behind the icy blue waters.

Smile

I learned to smile today
purposefully
smiles happen naturally
or so it seems
my eyes know my cheeks against my lower lids
yes
but today
I learned to smile
purposefully
it only took 27 years to be comfortable enough
with my face
to accept a smile
when the rest of my body recoils
when my soul hides
I learned to smile today
purposefully
the muscles in my cheeks
guide my mouth up
so i look happy
regardless

Spin

turning turning turning
i'm a spinning top near a stairway
i'm nauseated -never been able to
tolerate spinning
it's funny to be a top that gets
motion sickness
with such a pointy point and
perfect symmetry
i was designed to spin
but, here i am
a spinning top near a stairway
wanting to fall

Because

Because you make me feel safe
And safety means freedom
Because you make me feel free
And freedom means peace
With big hands and soft eyes
Because you yearn for better
Because I can see it through your eyes

And Better means passion and walking
one foot in front of the next
even when it feels like I can't walk
Because you danced with me
one night alone in my living room
And I heard you exhale
And your breath meant everything to me
And still does
Because you try
And your trying helps remind me to keep living
That good things happen in small steps
and big breaths
and maybe hope is not all lost

Because you laugh
And sing me '70s love songs in the early morning
when i feel utterly unlovable
because you fill people up
because you fill people up with a certain kind of love
the kind that feels free and like home
the kind of home many people never had
and I get to see their faces look like children again, or
maybe for the first time
Because you are child like when I am too far gone
I get a glimpse of something I'll call happiness
Because you let me love you

This Path

Having walked this path so often
hurried and with frustration
cloaking my sight with grey hue
I found it strange that today
I would see the placement of your
bags as art
The coordinates of your body
placed purposefully in the middle
of the sidewalk
Fibonacci bags, gentle seashells
you were art, against the hot cement
and I
wanted to thank you

Having walked this path so often
The aggressive pull of the human and inhuman
startled me today
I could hardly believe i hadn't noticed it before
All of us masterpieces in our imperfection
Perhaps I could use the word Beauty
to describe the sight of the
woman in heavy makeup sailing
down the street high and therefore
still living

Perhaps it is the pull that makes us art
the pain of resistance and surrender
Or are we all born this way
moving statues of stark hues
amassed from bits
and pieces of distant stars